The Angries 2012

Around this time of the year, most people do the customary thing and put together a list of their favourite films. That’s too obvious for the Angries, so I've put together an alternate list of winners. Mainly stuff that has annoyed me throughout the year really.

The after party's at Pizza Hut, however there are no doggy bags with iPhones in them.

The Coppola award for I wish you'd go back to making really good films
David Cronenberg for Cosmopolis.

David Cronenberg is a great director, hell he's got more creativity in his little finger than I do in my whole body but Cosmopolis is pants, even more pants than a Dangerous Method. I'm sure this is just a blip, it's not like he's made something as bad as Jack

The Return of the King why doesn't your film end already Award
The Hobbit

Plenty has been written about this already. Yes it's long and no it probably doesn't need to be that long, maybe the next two will be shorter? Who am I trying to kid, of course they won't be

The Toy Story 3 fitting end to a trilogy award
The Dark Knight Rises

Heath Ledger's Joker left a massive hole in the trilogy and while it's not perfect, it's still the benchmark by which all superhero films will be measured. Who didn't cry a little when Gary Oldman read his Tale of Two Cities quote at the end.

The Jigsaw Award for why has your film franchise not died a painful death
Resident Evil:Retribution

Why, oh why, oh why are we still being subjected to Resident Evil Films? Come to think of it why is Paul W.S. Anderson still making films?Allquestions with no answers, but I imagine we'll be discussing Resident Evil:Double Dip Rcession next year

The Phantom Menace award for the biggest disappointment for such an eagerly awaited film
Ridley Scott for Prometheus

Is there anything more to be said about Prometheus? No. 
It was a huge disappointment, but at least it was an honest disappointment not some Michael Bay piece of crap

The Michael Bay award for "We hope he gives up directing"  
George Lucas

Red Tails is a shockingly bad film. What's more shocking, is that it's based on true story that should  be exciting.George some how sucks all the excitement out of it. Fingers crossed he's called it quits with celluloid.

The Daniel Day Lewis award for injury in the commitment to a role
John Hawkes in The Sessions 

Injured his back in the Sessions, due to prolonged periods lying on his back with his spine curved. An effect he achieved by stuffing a foam ball down one side of his top

The how did you get a sequel when the first film was bollocks award sponsored by Look Who’s Talking Now
Wrath of the Titans

Was there a great clamour to see more Titans films after the release of clash? Did I miss some massive internet campaign demanding more of Sam "Charisma Vacuum" Worthington as Perseus, The whiniest son of a god committed to celluloid? No, but here we are with Wrath of the Titans. The only thing you can say about Wrath, is that it's not as bad as Clash. Faint praise indeed.

The Bobba Fett Nerdvana award
Avengers

The Avengers has been a wet dream for nerds for a long time. Numerous set up films have come and gone just so we can have the back story of each character. Thor (average film), Captain America (rubbish film), Iron Man (one good one shit film) and Hulk (two films, both of which the avengers pretend don't exist) combine with Hawk Eye (man with great eye sight and a bow and arrow?) and Black Widow (woman with great ass) to kick Loki's ass. Genuinely good fun, it also wins the WWE award for name change due to legal reasons

The Se7en award for an actual ending is important idiot
The Devil Inside

A piss poor film, which ends by telling you to go and Google the ending for yourself. No wonder the Vatican didn't want you to see it, they must have pretty good taste in films.

The Grave of the Fireflies "I feel like slashing my wrists now" award
Tyrannosaur

Absolutely brilliant, with stunning performances but a thoroughly depressing film. Not one to cheer you up on a rainy day

The "I'm being self referential aren't I clever?" award sponsored by Scream 
The Cabin in the Woods

Yes Joss, we know you're a clever bloke who knows his horror films and genre conventions, but there's no need to be so smug about it. A film that seemed to divide the majority of people I know. I quite enjoyed it but it still annoyed me a bit as well

The Bob de Niro "I'll be in this awful film cause I've got a down payment due on a yacht"
Al Pacino for Jack and Jill

This is the guy who played Tony Montana, Michael Corleone, Charlie Brigante, Ricky Roma and now he thinks making googly eyes at Adam Sandler in a dress is a good idea? WHY!WHY!

The Punch Drunk Love award for I can act but choose to be in shit 
Adam Sandler for Jack and Jill, That's my Boyetc etc

Whilst we're on the subject of Adam Sandler, do his films get more embarrassing every year?

The Christmas Jones stupidest scientist award
Dr Maria Shearing in The Bourne Legacy

She does point out at one stage of the film she has a Phd, though her general moronic behaviour makes you think she just printed it out online. Or won it at a duck shoot at the fair.

The Marlon Brando I really don’t want to be here

Tommy Lee Jones (MiB3)

Tommy Lee Jones seems as unhappy to be in MiB3 as we are watching it

The not another found footage award sponsored by the Blair Witch
Chronicle

Are we not done with the found footage hook yet? Chronicle would still be a perfectly watchable film without the need for the found footage trope 

The Mel Gibson award for historical accuracy
Madonna for W.E.

Madonna's not someone to let the facts get in the way of making a terrible film. We'll just wash over the whole Nazi sympathizer bit eh

The Nic Cage Gurning award
Nic Cage (Insert Name of crap Nic Cage film here)

I'm going to go with Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance cause good 'ol Nic pulls some awesome faces in this one. The one above is just one example

The more fun than Takeshi’s Castle award
The Raid

Non stop action from start to finish, what more could you ask for?

The George Lucas flogging a dead horse to make more money than he can ever really spend
James Cameron for his 3D re-release of titanic in 3D

Because everything is more fucking brilliant in 3D isn't it? Or so Mr Cameron would have you believe

The Celine Dion award for annoying movie music
Haywire

That stupid Jazz music through every single scene was just plain irritating. It just goes to show how easy it is to miss good music in film when it fits perfectly but when its wrong........ It's all you hear

The Madonna Award for every film I'm in sucks balls, is it me?
Taylor Kitsch

Taylor had a particularly bad year, being in two of the worst films released. If he's lucky, the CIA might give him a new identity so he can start fresh.

The Requiem for a dream award for I can’t watch that bit again because it made me feel a little sick in my soul award
Killer Joe

I still can't look the Colonel in the eye

There's Something About Mary Hairdo award

The Hunger Games 

Elizabeth Banks, Stanley Tucci there are some weird hair do's on show in the Hunger Games. There's also an honourable mention for beard cultivation

The Inception award for film most likely to be compared to Inception
Looper

Time bending, mind bending thrill ride, with the always awesome Joseph Gordon Levitt.

The Gus Van Sant pointless remake award
Silent House

The same film but in English. If I'm honest I didn't think too much of the original, why would I want to see it again shot for shot?

The YOU LOST US HOW MUCH award sponsored by Heavens Gate
John Carter (of MARS but keep that to yourself)

The increasing budget and audience interest on this one don't really seem to be on convergent lines. Andrew Stanton may never be allowed to film human actors again

And that's it. The winners can expect their awards in the post

I'll have subtitles with that please

Every year the best foreign language films, or films not in the English language as the academy language describes them, are remade in “American.” We've reached the point now where some remakes are even being made before the original has even finished doing the rounds and being acclaimed.

Often these remakes end up being either, a shot for shot reshoot (Silent House) ,or utter crap (put your own example here I’m sure you can think of one yourself). In the case of Silent house the original was an interesting idea but it didn't really have much going for it beyond that. Yet we have the remake which doesn't improve on any of the issues with the original, happy to simply to be a rehash of the same film. 

Even when the same director is brought in to helm the remake it can still go wrong. George Sluizer directed the fantastic Spoorloos, a film with a genuine sense of dread leading up to the famous climactic ending. “Get the same director to do the remake, it’ll be awesome,” you can almost hear the studio execs thinking. Typically the remake was a truly awful piece of shit losing all the best bits and altering the ending, probably on the say so of the same studio exec who wanted the film remaking.

Good directors aren't immune from the urge to redo a foreign film. Chris Nolan remade the Swedish thriller Insomnia. If you watch his remake it's a perfectly competent film, but when you watch the original the remake whilst not inferior seems a bit pointless.

No matter how many shit remakes we get it doesn't look like slowing down with the remake of my all time favourite films, Oldboy, in the offing some time soon.

But what if we lived in some bizarre alternate universe where the opposite were to happen?In this universe Hartlepool United are champions of Europe, 3D films have died a death and the shittiest English language films are remade as foreign language films. Would the inverse occur and rather than a pale imitation, we'd get a fantastic film to take the place of the original?

With that in mind here are some possible options. (Any Studio execs reading yes i will allow optioning on any of these ideas).

Who to Suspect When You’re Expecting
(Remake of What to Expect When you're Expecting)

Danish crime thriller about a pregnant woman whose husband, unbeknown to her, is an art thief. After he is killed by someone in her ante natal class, she discovers he had a second life she knew nothing about. She must figure out which of her fellow pregnant friends double crossed him and why. All before the baby is born!

The Fast Car Thieves

(Remake of any of Fast and the Furious films except Tokyo Drift, because that film really was ridiculous)

 

We follow a man and his son in modern day Italy looking for work during the economic crisis. He finds work with a team of high speed HGV hijackers, led by a balding American who is planning "one last job." At no point during the film does anyone suggest that the old fashioned method of hijacking HGV's, by stopping them and waving a gun in the drivers face, is still the most efficient way to do it. With the added benefit of not needing a stunt mans driving ability. I digress however. Disaster strikes when the man's car is stolen. We follow them looking for the thief whilst viewing the social aspects of the recession, and the desperation it inspires

The Wishing Well

(Remake of the Change-up)

 

A J-horror remake, two men take a leak in a wishing well, one a dedicated family man the other a womaniser, not knowing that anyone who relieves themselves in the fountain is found dead 9 days later......... on the toilet. Their search for answers takes them to a sewage works and a possessed loo brush wielded by an angry adopted Japanese girl. Oh and they realise that the family man is actually happy with his life, whilst the womaniser just needs to find the right woman.
 

Sympathy for Lady Wallis

(remake of W.E)

Korean revenge thriller. After getting together with Wallis Simpson, Edward VIII has the crown snatched from him by evil forces in the monarchy. Painted in a terrible light by the British press, Wallis becomes a vengeful angel raining justice on those who have wronged her. Ultimately she'll discover that revenge never brings you peace. This version of the film may be more historically accurate than the original Madonna made W.E.

The Beat that My Heart Skipped

(remake of Fingers)

 

In a french remake we follow a young Parisian enforcer who must decide between life as a criminal like his father, or a concert pianist like his mother. Some one should make this one it seems like a good idea.......

We Need To Talk About Prometheus

This is probably the last review of Prometheus you'll read. I don't mean this in a self congratulatory manner,"after this awesome Prometheus opinion, all other opinions will pale in comparison, wilting away under the glorious glow generated but this review." I mean it more literally. More than likely you'll already have read a millions reviews of the DVD by now, never mind a review of a film released in the cinemas many moons ago. Work commitments mean I've had to abandon blogging for a while, but as this was a film I so looked forward to I still wanted to share my thoughts. 

So to set the scene, imagine it's May; the PR men are still telling you this is the event of the year. We can still only imagine what it'll be like to host the Olympics, Lance Armstrong is still your hero, England haven't embarrassed themselves at another major footballing event, no one has broken the sound barrier whilst parachuting and my car hasn't over heated and died (that last one is more of a personal setting the scene moment). Now that we've travelled back in time without the need for a flux capacitor, 1.21 gigawatts of energy or plutonium from dodgy Libyans, read on.

So this is it. Ridley Scott's return to Sci-Fi films and the Alien ‘universe.’ We've had trailers, posters, teasers and viral marketing. It's the film we've heard about non stop for what seems like the last 6 years, Is it up to all the hype? More to the point, could any film live up to this sort of expectation? I've mentioned in previous blogs that I've tried to dampen down my expectations, with Alien being one of my favourite films of all time it’s been difficult. I’ll try and keep my references to Alien down to a minimum, and judge the film as much as i can on it’s own merits.

So what’s Prometheus about? The original Alien (first Alien reference but a necessary one) famously  contained the “space jockey.” An unfortunate alien who’d had his chest exploded whilst sitting in what looks like the biggest lazy boy ever created. Scott was originally asked to remove this scene as it added nothing to be plot. He however disagreed and the scene remained, with Geiger’s mysterious creature at the centre. The following Alien films made no mention of the space jockey again. It’s amusing that a scene that nearly ended upon the cutting room floor is now the basis of one of the biggest films of 2012.

The year is 2089. The crew of the good ship Prometheus are heading off into deep space, looking for an answer to the question that eludes all humans........ who created us. Based on what can only be described as quite flimsy evidence, Dr Shaw and Holloway, have gathered a rag tag team of scientists and set off for LV-223 (not LV-426 Alien reference number 2) to answer said question. It won't come as a surprise that things do not go according to plan.

THE GOOD

First the positive stuff. The cast is on the whole outstanding, but then looking at the cast list you’d be surprised with anything less. In particular Michael Fassbender is the pick, as the android David. What sort of Alien film would be complete without an android who’s motives are less than clear. We’re introduced to David spying on the crew members dreams whilst they're in stasis, shooting a  few hoops, learning a new language the usual stuff you might do if your a robot and your on your own for a while. It's actually nice to see what the ships robot does whilst everyone else kips, even if it is a little bit creepy. David is constantly told he's just a robot, as someone who can't dream it seems obvious that he would spy on the dreams of the crew, the humans he is supposedly beneath. David has reached the point in his “life” where he is asking the same sort of questions the crew have travelled all that way to find out. The part of the film that works best for me is David’s questioning of his place in the universe. He is at various points in the film proclaimed to have no soul, be just a machine and yet he seems to grappling with that very human emotion of being overlooked continually. Fassbender is perfect in the role giving David a slightly odd manner, like he's been shown how to act human by Keanu Reeves. I know people who have questioned the motives for his actions in the film. To me he just seems mischievous, he just wants to mess with these people who created him “just because they could.”

Hmm why was Charlize cast to wear a skin tight space suit?

Noomi Rapace is also impressive, and I'm always a fan of Idris Elba. He just seems to fill the whole screen with his character even though he has only a few scenes in the film. However Charlize Theron is completely wasted, only present for her inability to run at a right angle and probably because she looks hot in skin tight clothing. With the removal of the scenes of Weyland as a young man, casting Guy Pearce in old man make-up also seems like a waste.

The special effects are outstanding. But when you've got an eye for the visual like Ridley Scott does you'd be amazed at anything less. It seems unfair to be so dismissive of the special effects, but he did so much with so little in Alien. When you watch it now, other than the presence of a BBC computer as mother it still stands up today (Alien reference number 3). We've become so used to good CGI we barely notice it now.

THE BAD

The script and plot is truly awful. Some of the characters are asked to deliver lines so poor even Michael Bay would think twice about including them."I can't create life" must be one of the most ridiculous lines uttered since George Bush said humans and fish can co-exist. Some of the dialogue is so dreadful it's unbelievable.

The black goo extras from the X-files have been
 waiting a long time for another role

Weyland also seems to have gathered a crew of the stupidest scientists ever compiled. Maybe if they’d taken some pretend scientists, like homeopaths (you know you're not real scientists) they might of had a better chance of finding the answers they're looking for. The plot seems to struggle to get things moving along so we’re introduced to X-files type black goo which seems to have a different effect on every one it comes into contact with. Underneath all this there probably is a good story about where we come from or the nature of our existence. Unfortunately the plot however seems so obsessed with posing questions it forgets that maybe we might want the odd one answering. There's a lot of arm waving and shouting things like, "if we don't stop them we’ll have no home to go to," a sound bite designed for the trailer if ever there was one. The original Alien (Alien reference number 4) was all about the smaller details. The only thing Parker and Brett were interested in was getting their share of the money, not saving the earth. 

And finally WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE ALIENS? Seriously that's all we wanted to see, some damn aliens killing stuff. Not angry, incredibly ripped, slap heads but shiny black xenomorphs killing people for fun.

AND THE 3D

I've aired my grievances with 3D in the past so i won’t start that rant again.  This is the first 3D film I've seen since Toy Story 3, I've actively tried to attend 2D screenings of films where possible. I am a huge fan of IMAX though, and the only way to see Prometheus in glorious IMAX is to watch in 3D. So unfortunately as stubborn as I usually am,ask my wife and she’ll roll her eyes and say very, I had to give in. 

As I always do, I forget to wear my contacts lenses when I saw Prometheus. So I had to wear the 3D glasses over my own glasses, which always ends up hurting my ears, more so with IMAX 3D glasses. Perhaps I need to invest in some prescription 3D glasses? It seems churlish to hold my forgetfulness against Ridley though.

In relation to the 3D I'll keep it brief. In all honesty, I forgot the film was in 3D about halfway through. Occasionally when I'd turn my head the side slightly to make sure my wife was still awake, the picture would blur a little reminding me “it's 3D idiot keep your head still.” 

Did the hype ruin Prometheus or was it just a poor film? It's probably a bit of both, which is a slightly lame cop out to be fair and sums the film up perfectly. I've read an article that looks into the hidden references in Prometheus which can be found here. It's an interesting and well researched piece but rather than a whole load of deep references in the film, I'd have been happy with a plot that wasn't shit.  Head over to Empire to read an interview with the original scriptwriter. Would the film have been better with his script? At least it had aliens in it. 


Roll on Blade Runner sequel(!)

Summer Preview

June 1st is fast approaching and with it comes the summer blockbuster season. We’re always lead to believe that the most exciting films come out around this time of the year. As if to say, the weathers nice outside go and sit in a dark room and watch a film. Admittedly in England it’s just as likely to rain in July as it is any other time of the year.

Each year around this time we get a glut of big budget, “spectacle” films. The sort of films that scream "look at me, look at me" whilst waving their arms in the air, trying to get the attention of anyone and everyone. Getting our attention normally takes the form of posters, teasers, computer games, trailers, viral marketing campaigns on twitter and Facebook, merchandising, tie ups with fast food chains etc etc . You get to the point where you’re being sold Avengers Cologne and being pushed to wear Watchmen condoms (I shit you not, who wouldn’t want to smell like a 90 year old defrosted virgin, with a blue condom in their wallet?). The only time you don’t hear about a particular film is when you’re asleep, I guess the studios haven’t figured out how to force trailers into our dreams.................. yet. 

This year it looks like Prometheus will win the award for the cheapest girl at the party. She's giving it all away for just free, letting every have a peek up her skirt. The viral marketing campaign seems so intent on showing as much of the film as possible, I’ve imposed an embargo on myself from watching any of the trailers for the film. God forbid I might want the odd surprise when I see the film

The line up always seems exciting at first glance. “This year will be the best one yet,” the studios seem to tell us all the while, patting us down for our wallets and valuables. Forget about that year Tomb Raider was out, don’t think about The Green Lantern, and lets everyone pretend like Catwoman never happened, please God don’t anyone think about Catwoman. “We won’t do anything like that to you again” they tell us whilst releasing the usual line of prequels, sequels and reboots. This year exemplifies this perfectly, The Dark Knight Rises (Sequel), Prometheus (prequel sort of) and The Amazing Spiderman (reboot).

Having said all this, like a little child still believing in the tooth fairy, I still look forward to summer blockbusters! 


So this is my preview of the biggest releases of the next 3 months, not just the blockbusters but the films I’m looking forward to.



Prometheus (June 1st)

This is the first sci-fi film Ridley Scott has made since making two of the defining films of the genre, Blade Runner and Alien. That should be reason enough to be excited about Prometheus.

Originally pegged as an Alien prequel it’s now a story set in the ‘Alien universe,’ what ever that means. With Charlize Theron, Naoomi Rapace, Guy Pearce, Michael Fassbender and Idris Elba this must be one of the best cast lists outside of the Dark Knight Rises. With Scott at the helm we can be sure it’ll look bloody impressive as well.

There is a little part of me that is just that bit worried that this isn’t going to be as good as I hope, I’ve covered it in a previous blog here. Who cares though maybe, just maybe, it’ll all come together perfectly. I’m not linking to the trailer obviously, but I’m sure you can all google it.

A Fantastic Fear of Everything (June 8th)

Written and directed by Crispin Mills, formerly of Kula Shaker, for those of you who don’t know what a Kula Shaker is they were a rubbish band from the 90’s. It stars Simon Pegg as a children's writer who, in a move he probably regrets, decides to move into crime fiction. As the title suggest he then develops a fear of everything, but mainly the hedgehog from his children’s books.

Other than when directed by Edgar Wright, it seems no one can get the best of Pegg and present it on screen. He’s always very watchable in everything he’s in, but the majority of films don’t seem to make the most of his talents. Hopefully this will prove me wrong.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22nd)

If I’m honest I’m sold just by the title. Along with Zombies, vampires still seem to be the occult beasties of choice at the moment. Based on a novel of the same name, Vampire Hunter imagines the famous American President as the only thing that stands between the US and Vampire domination.

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov, it’ll at least be entertaining. Possibly one to go in the guilty pleasures group. In a few years we might get David Cameron: Hoodie Underage Drinking Asbo Hunter (with Nick Clegg as his faithful Lackey).

Ted (June 29th)

A foul mouth teddy bear version of Peter Griffin, who wouldn’t want one of those for christmas? Imagine if you wished your teddy could talk and that came true, what would the adult version of the teddy be like? Well Mark Wahlberg stars as the grown up boy who’s teddy talks, swears and smokes weed. When he falls for Mila Kunis, it’s time for Ted to move out.

Written and directed by Seth McFarlane, I imagine this will be love it or hate it, as it is with his show Family Guy. Personally I’m a fan of Family Guy so I can’t wait.

The Amazing Spider-man (July 3rd)

It doesn’t seem that long since Spider-man 3 was critically mauled, effectively killing the series in its old guise. I have a lot of fondness for the first two spidey films, number 3 tried to do too much, introducing one of the key characters, Venom, but then barely doing anything with him. Out goes Tobey Maguire and in comes Andrew Garfield to start everything anew, or rather reboot things.

I’m a little unsure of what to expect with this film. Garfield looks a perfect fit for Peter Parker, Emma Stone is always very good and Rhys Ifans as Dr connors mean the cast is all in place. However early footage of the lizard was ropey to say the least, and the trailer doesn’t really seem as exciting as I’d like. Perhaps it’s just a crap trailer? I’d rather have a rubbish trailer and good film rather than the other way round (I’m looking at you Matrix sequels).

The Dark Knight Rises (July 20th)

This really is the film that I’m looking forward to above all others this summer. The conclusion to Nolan’s Batman trilogy, has had everyone holding their breath since the credits rolled on the Dark Knight. The cast from the previous films return with the addition of Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anne Hathaway.

The plot takes place 8 years after the event of the Dark Knight. Batman, now in exile, returns to go head to head with Bane. This is the Bane from the comic books, not the ridiculous bane from Batman and Robin (I just felt a shiver down my spine just saying the name of that Joel Schumacher piece of shit). “The legend ends” tagline give the impression that all bets are off in this one.

Chris Nolan has earned our excitement, producing a superhero trilogy that is darker than any that has gone before it. Batman Begins was good, but with the Dark Knight he raised the bar a long way beyond other superhero films. He’s shown he’s a safe pair of hands what ever film he makes, plus he hates 3D!

Brave (August 17th)

With the awful sequel to Cars, Pixar had a rare faltering moment. Unheard of for a studio who only seem to deal in critically acclaimed hits. Brave is the chance to correct that and get things back to their normal standard.

Brave tells the story of a princess who wishes to join the men of her country on the frontline as a warrior. It’s an unusually unoriginal storyline for Pixar, with more than a little nod towards Disney’s Mulan, but I’m sure they’ll put their own stamp on it.

Ignoring Cars every film they’ve made has been brilliantly original and well received, I’m sure this will get them back on that track.

Those are the films I’m looking forward to this summer, will some of them disappoint me? Almost definitely but who knows which ones!

Honourable mentions go to the Bourne Legacy, Lawless and ParaNorman.