Thursday, 27 December 2012

The Angries 2012

Around this time of the year, most people do the customary thing and put together a list of their favourite films. That’s too obvious for the Angries, so I've put together an alternate list of winners. Mainly stuff that has annoyed me throughout the year really.

The after party's at Pizza Hut, however there are no doggy bags with iPhones in them.

The Coppola award for I wish you'd go back to making really good films
David Cronenberg for Cosmopolis.

David Cronenberg is a great director, hell he's got more creativity in his little finger than I do in my whole body but Cosmopolis is pants, even more pants than a Dangerous Method. I'm sure this is just a blip, it's not like he's made something as bad as Jack

The Return of the King why doesn't your film end already Award

The Hobbit

Plenty has been written about this already. Yes it's long and no it probably doesn't need to be that long, maybe the next two will be shorter? Who am I trying to kid, of course they won't be

The Toy Story 3 fitting end to a trilogy award
The Dark Knight Rises

Heath Ledger's Joker left a massive hole in the trilogy and while it's not perfect, it's still the benchmark by which all superhero films will be measured. Who didn't cry a little when Gary Oldman read his Tale of Two Cities quote at the end.

The Jigsaw Award for why has your film franchise not died a painful death
Resident Evil:Retribution

Why, oh why, oh why are we still being subjected to Resident Evil Films? Come to think of it why is Paul W.S. Anderson still making films?Allquestions with no answers, but I imagine we'll be discussing Resident Evil:Double Dip Rcession next year

The Phantom Menace award for the biggest disappointment for such an eagerly awaited film
Ridley Scott for Prometheus

Is there anything more to be said about Prometheus? No. 
It was a huge disappointment, but at least it was an honest disappointment not some Michael Bay piece of crap

The Michael Bay award for "We hope he gives up directing"  
George Lucas

Red Tails is a shockingly bad film. What's more shocking, is that it's based on true story that should  be exciting.George some how sucks all the excitement out of it. Fingers crossed he's called it quits with celluloid.

The Daniel Day Lewis award for injury in the commitment to a role
John Hawkes in The Sessions 

Injured his back in the Sessions, due to prolonged periods lying on his back with his spine curved. An effect he achieved by stuffing a foam ball down one side of his top

The how did you get a sequel when the first film was bollocks award sponsored by Look Who’s Talking Now
Wrath of the Titans

Was there a great clamour to see more Titans films after the release of clash? Did I miss some massive internet campaign demanding more of Sam "Charisma Vacuum" Worthington as Perseus, The whiniest son of a god committed to celluloid? No, but here we are with Wrath of the Titans. The only thing you can say about Wrath, is that it's not as bad as Clash. Faint praise indeed.

The Bobba Fett Nerdvana award

The Avengers has been a wet dream for nerds for a long time. Numerous set up films have come and gone just so we can have the back story of each character. Thor (average film), Captain America (rubbish film), Iron Man (one good one shit film) and Hulk (two films, both of which the avengers pretend don't exist) combine with Hawk Eye (man with great eye sight and a bow and arrow?) and Black Widow (woman with great ass) to kick Loki's ass. Genuinely good fun, it also wins the WWE award for name change due to legal reasons

The Se7en award for an actual ending is important idiot

The Devil Inside

A piss poor film, which ends by telling you to go and Google the ending for yourself. No wonder the Vatican didn't want you to see it, they must have pretty good taste in films.

The Grave of the Fireflies "I feel like slashing my wrists now" award

Absolutely brilliant, with stunning performances but a thoroughly depressing film. Not one to cheer you up on a rainy day

The "I'm being self referential aren't I clever?" award sponsored by Scream 

The Cabin in the Woods

Yes Joss, we know you're a clever bloke who knows his horror films and genre conventions, but there's no need to be so smug about it. A film that seemed to divide the majority of people I know. I quite enjoyed it but it still annoyed me a bit as well

The Bob de Niro "I'll be in this awful film cause I've got a down payment due on a yacht"
Al Pacino for Jack and Jill

This is the guy who played Tony Montana, Michael Corleone, Charlie Brigante, Ricky Roma and now he thinks making googly eyes at Adam Sandler in a dress is a good idea? WHY!WHY!

The Punch Drunk Love award for I can act but choose to be in shit 

Adam Sandler for Jack and Jill, That's my Boyetc etc

Whilst we're on the subject of Adam Sandler, do his films get more embarrassing every year?

The Christmas Jones stupidest scientist award
Dr Maria Shearing in The Bourne Legacy

She does point out at one stage of the film she has a Phd, though her general moronic behaviour makes you think she just printed it out online. Or won it at a duck shoot at the fair.

The Marlon Brando I really don’t want to be here
Tommy Lee Jones (MiB3)

Tommy Lee Jones seems as unhappy to be in MiB3 as we are watching it

The not another found footage award sponsored by the Blair Witch

Are we not done with the found footage hook yet? Chronicle would still be a perfectly watchable film without the need for the found footage trope 

The Mel Gibson award for historical accuracy

Madonna for W.E.

Madonna's not someone to let the facts get in the way of making a terrible film. We'll just wash over the whole Nazi sympathizer bit eh

The Nic Cage Gurning award

Nic Cage (Insert Name of crap Nic Cage film here)

I'm going to go with Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance cause good 'ol Nic pulls some awesome faces in this one. The one above is just one example

The more fun than Takeshi’s Castle award

The Raid

Non stop action from start to finish, what more could you ask for?

The George Lucas flogging a dead horse to make more money than he can ever really spend

James Cameron for his 3D re-release of titanic in 3D

Because everything is more fucking brilliant in 3D isn't it? Or so Mr Cameron would have you believe

The Celine Dion award for annoying movie music

That stupid Jazz music through every single scene was just plain irritating. It just goes to show how easy it is to miss good music in film when it fits perfectly but when its wrong........ It's all you hear

The Madonna Award for every film I'm in sucks balls, is it me?

Taylor Kitsch

Taylor had a particularly bad year, being in two of the worst films released. If he's lucky, the CIA might give him a new identity so he can start fresh.

The Requiem for a dream award for I can’t watch that bit again because it made me feel a little sick in my soul award

Killer Joe

I still can't look the Colonel in the eye

There's Something About Mary Hairdo award

The Hunger Games 

Elizabeth Banks, Stanley Tucci there are some weird hair do's on show in the Hunger Games. There's also an honourable mention for beard cultivation

The Inception award for film most likely to be compared to Inception

Time bending, mind bending thrill ride, with the always awesome Joseph Gordon Levitt.

The Gus Van Sant pointless remake award

Silent House

The same film but in English. If I'm honest I didn't think too much of the original, why would I want to see it again shot for shot?

The YOU LOST US HOW MUCH award sponsored by Heavens Gate

John Carter (of MARS but keep that to yourself)

The increasing budget and audience interest on this one don't really seem to be on convergent lines. Andrew Stanton may never be allowed to film human actors again

And that's it. The winners can expect their awards in the post

1 comment:

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