Thursday, 27 December 2012

The Angries 2012

Around this time of the year, most people do the customary thing and put together a list of their favourite films. That’s too obvious for the Angries, so I've put together an alternate list of winners. Mainly stuff that has annoyed me throughout the year really.

The after party's at Pizza Hut, however there are no doggy bags with iPhones in them.

The Coppola award for I wish you'd go back to making really good films
David Cronenberg for Cosmopolis.

David Cronenberg is a great director, hell he's got more creativity in his little finger than I do in my whole body but Cosmopolis is pants, even more pants than a Dangerous Method. I'm sure this is just a blip, it's not like he's made something as bad as Jack

The Return of the King why doesn't your film end already Award

The Hobbit

Plenty has been written about this already. Yes it's long and no it probably doesn't need to be that long, maybe the next two will be shorter? Who am I trying to kid, of course they won't be

The Toy Story 3 fitting end to a trilogy award
The Dark Knight Rises

Heath Ledger's Joker left a massive hole in the trilogy and while it's not perfect, it's still the benchmark by which all superhero films will be measured. Who didn't cry a little when Gary Oldman read his Tale of Two Cities quote at the end.

The Jigsaw Award for why has your film franchise not died a painful death
Resident Evil:Retribution

Why, oh why, oh why are we still being subjected to Resident Evil Films? Come to think of it why is Paul W.S. Anderson still making films?Allquestions with no answers, but I imagine we'll be discussing Resident Evil:Double Dip Rcession next year

The Phantom Menace award for the biggest disappointment for such an eagerly awaited film
Ridley Scott for Prometheus

Is there anything more to be said about Prometheus? No. 
It was a huge disappointment, but at least it was an honest disappointment not some Michael Bay piece of crap

The Michael Bay award for "We hope he gives up directing"  
George Lucas

Red Tails is a shockingly bad film. What's more shocking, is that it's based on true story that should  be exciting.George some how sucks all the excitement out of it. Fingers crossed he's called it quits with celluloid.

The Daniel Day Lewis award for injury in the commitment to a role
John Hawkes in The Sessions 

Injured his back in the Sessions, due to prolonged periods lying on his back with his spine curved. An effect he achieved by stuffing a foam ball down one side of his top

The how did you get a sequel when the first film was bollocks award sponsored by Look Who’s Talking Now
Wrath of the Titans

Was there a great clamour to see more Titans films after the release of clash? Did I miss some massive internet campaign demanding more of Sam "Charisma Vacuum" Worthington as Perseus, The whiniest son of a god committed to celluloid? No, but here we are with Wrath of the Titans. The only thing you can say about Wrath, is that it's not as bad as Clash. Faint praise indeed.

The Bobba Fett Nerdvana award

The Avengers has been a wet dream for nerds for a long time. Numerous set up films have come and gone just so we can have the back story of each character. Thor (average film), Captain America (rubbish film), Iron Man (one good one shit film) and Hulk (two films, both of which the avengers pretend don't exist) combine with Hawk Eye (man with great eye sight and a bow and arrow?) and Black Widow (woman with great ass) to kick Loki's ass. Genuinely good fun, it also wins the WWE award for name change due to legal reasons

The Se7en award for an actual ending is important idiot

The Devil Inside

A piss poor film, which ends by telling you to go and Google the ending for yourself. No wonder the Vatican didn't want you to see it, they must have pretty good taste in films.

The Grave of the Fireflies "I feel like slashing my wrists now" award

Absolutely brilliant, with stunning performances but a thoroughly depressing film. Not one to cheer you up on a rainy day

The "I'm being self referential aren't I clever?" award sponsored by Scream 

The Cabin in the Woods

Yes Joss, we know you're a clever bloke who knows his horror films and genre conventions, but there's no need to be so smug about it. A film that seemed to divide the majority of people I know. I quite enjoyed it but it still annoyed me a bit as well

The Bob de Niro "I'll be in this awful film cause I've got a down payment due on a yacht"
Al Pacino for Jack and Jill

This is the guy who played Tony Montana, Michael Corleone, Charlie Brigante, Ricky Roma and now he thinks making googly eyes at Adam Sandler in a dress is a good idea? WHY!WHY!

The Punch Drunk Love award for I can act but choose to be in shit 

Adam Sandler for Jack and Jill, That's my Boyetc etc

Whilst we're on the subject of Adam Sandler, do his films get more embarrassing every year?

The Christmas Jones stupidest scientist award
Dr Maria Shearing in The Bourne Legacy

She does point out at one stage of the film she has a Phd, though her general moronic behaviour makes you think she just printed it out online. Or won it at a duck shoot at the fair.

The Marlon Brando I really don’t want to be here
Tommy Lee Jones (MiB3)

Tommy Lee Jones seems as unhappy to be in MiB3 as we are watching it

The not another found footage award sponsored by the Blair Witch

Are we not done with the found footage hook yet? Chronicle would still be a perfectly watchable film without the need for the found footage trope 

The Mel Gibson award for historical accuracy

Madonna for W.E.

Madonna's not someone to let the facts get in the way of making a terrible film. We'll just wash over the whole Nazi sympathizer bit eh

The Nic Cage Gurning award

Nic Cage (Insert Name of crap Nic Cage film here)

I'm going to go with Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance cause good 'ol Nic pulls some awesome faces in this one. The one above is just one example

The more fun than Takeshi’s Castle award

The Raid

Non stop action from start to finish, what more could you ask for?

The George Lucas flogging a dead horse to make more money than he can ever really spend

James Cameron for his 3D re-release of titanic in 3D

Because everything is more fucking brilliant in 3D isn't it? Or so Mr Cameron would have you believe

The Celine Dion award for annoying movie music

That stupid Jazz music through every single scene was just plain irritating. It just goes to show how easy it is to miss good music in film when it fits perfectly but when its wrong........ It's all you hear

The Madonna Award for every film I'm in sucks balls, is it me?

Taylor Kitsch

Taylor had a particularly bad year, being in two of the worst films released. If he's lucky, the CIA might give him a new identity so he can start fresh.

The Requiem for a dream award for I can’t watch that bit again because it made me feel a little sick in my soul award

Killer Joe

I still can't look the Colonel in the eye

There's Something About Mary Hairdo award

The Hunger Games 

Elizabeth Banks, Stanley Tucci there are some weird hair do's on show in the Hunger Games. There's also an honourable mention for beard cultivation

The Inception award for film most likely to be compared to Inception

Time bending, mind bending thrill ride, with the always awesome Joseph Gordon Levitt.

The Gus Van Sant pointless remake award

Silent House

The same film but in English. If I'm honest I didn't think too much of the original, why would I want to see it again shot for shot?

The YOU LOST US HOW MUCH award sponsored by Heavens Gate

John Carter (of MARS but keep that to yourself)

The increasing budget and audience interest on this one don't really seem to be on convergent lines. Andrew Stanton may never be allowed to film human actors again

And that's it. The winners can expect their awards in the post

Thursday, 15 November 2012

I'll have subtitles with that please

Every year the best foreign language films, or films not in the English language as the academy language describes them, are remade in “American.” We've reached the point now where some remakes are even being made before the original has even finished doing the rounds and being acclaimed.

Often these remakes end up being either, a shot for shot reshoot (Silent House) ,or utter crap (put your own example here I’m sure you can think of one yourself). In the case of Silent house the original was an interesting idea but it didn't really have much going for it beyond that. Yet we have the remake which doesn't improve on any of the issues with the original, happy to simply to be a rehash of the same film. 

Even when the same director is brought in to helm the remake it can still go wrong. George Sluizer directed the fantastic Spoorloos, a film with a genuine sense of dread leading up to the famous climactic ending. “Get the same director to do the remake, it’ll be awesome,” you can almost hear the studio execs thinking. Typically the remake was a truly awful piece of shit losing all the best bits and altering the ending, probably on the say so of the same studio exec who wanted the film remaking.

Good directors aren't immune from the urge to redo a foreign film. Chris Nolan remade the Swedish thriller Insomnia. If you watch his remake it's a perfectly competent film, but when you watch the original the remake whilst not inferior seems a bit pointless.

No matter how many shit remakes we get it doesn't look like slowing down with the remake of my all time favourite films, Oldboy, in the offing some time soon.

But what if we lived in some bizarre alternate universe where the opposite were to happen?In this universe Hartlepool United are champions of Europe, 3D films have died a death and the shittiest English language films are remade as foreign language films. Would the inverse occur and rather than a pale imitation, we'd get a fantastic film to take the place of the original?

With that in mind here are some possible options. (Any Studio execs reading yes i will allow optioning on any of these ideas).

Who to Suspect When You’re Expecting
(Remake of What to Expect When you're Expecting)

Danish crime thriller about a pregnant woman whose husband, unbeknown to her, is an art thief. After he is killed by someone in her ante natal class, she discovers he had a second life she knew nothing about. She must figure out which of her fellow pregnant friends double crossed him and why. All before the baby is born!

The Fast Car Thieves
(Remake of any of Fast and the Furious films except Tokyo Drift, because that film really was ridiculous)

We follow a man and his son in modern day Italy looking for work during the economic crisis. He finds work with a team of high speed HGV hijackers, led by a balding American who is planning "one last job." At no point during the film does anyone suggest that the old fashioned method of hijacking HGV's, by stopping them and waving a gun in the drivers face, is still the most efficient way to do it. With the added benefit of not needing a stunt mans driving ability. I digress however. Disaster strikes when the man's car is stolen. We follow them looking for the thief whilst viewing the social aspects of the recession, and the desperation it inspires

The Wishing Well
(Remake of the Change-up)


A J-horror remake, two men take a leak in a wishing well, one a dedicated family man the other a womaniser, not knowing that anyone who relieves themselves in the fountain is found dead 9 days later......... on the toilet. Their search for answers takes them to a sewage works and a possessed loo brush wielded by an angry adopted Japanese girl. Oh and they realise that the family man is actually happy with his life, whilst the womaniser just needs to find the right woman.
Sympathy for Lady Wallis
(remake of W.E)

Korean revenge thriller. After getting together with Wallis Simpson, Edward VIII has the crown snatched from him by evil forces in the monarchy. Painted in a terrible light by the British press, Wallis becomes a vengeful angel raining justice on those who have wronged her. Ultimately she'll discover that revenge never brings you peace. This version of the film may be more historically accurate than the original Madonna made W.E.

The Beat that My Heart Skipped
(remake of Fingers)

In a french remake we follow a young Parisian enforcer who must decide between life as a criminal like his father, or a concert pianist like his mother. Some one should make this one it seems like a good idea.......