I'll have subtitles with that please

Every year the best foreign language films, or films not in the English language as the academy language describes them, are remade in “American.” We've reached the point now where some remakes are even being made before the original has even finished doing the rounds and being acclaimed.

Often these remakes end up being either, a shot for shot reshoot (Silent House) ,or utter crap (put your own example here I’m sure you can think of one yourself). In the case of Silent house the original was an interesting idea but it didn't really have much going for it beyond that. Yet we have the remake which doesn't improve on any of the issues with the original, happy to simply to be a rehash of the same film. 

Even when the same director is brought in to helm the remake it can still go wrong. George Sluizer directed the fantastic Spoorloos, a film with a genuine sense of dread leading up to the famous climactic ending. “Get the same director to do the remake, it’ll be awesome,” you can almost hear the studio execs thinking. Typically the remake was a truly awful piece of shit losing all the best bits and altering the ending, probably on the say so of the same studio exec who wanted the film remaking.

Good directors aren't immune from the urge to redo a foreign film. Chris Nolan remade the Swedish thriller Insomnia. If you watch his remake it's a perfectly competent film, but when you watch the original the remake whilst not inferior seems a bit pointless.

No matter how many shit remakes we get it doesn't look like slowing down with the remake of my all time favourite films, Oldboy, in the offing some time soon.

But what if we lived in some bizarre alternate universe where the opposite were to happen?In this universe Hartlepool United are champions of Europe, 3D films have died a death and the shittiest English language films are remade as foreign language films. Would the inverse occur and rather than a pale imitation, we'd get a fantastic film to take the place of the original?

With that in mind here are some possible options. (Any Studio execs reading yes i will allow optioning on any of these ideas).

Who to Suspect When You’re Expecting
(Remake of What to Expect When you're Expecting)

Danish crime thriller about a pregnant woman whose husband, unbeknown to her, is an art thief. After he is killed by someone in her ante natal class, she discovers he had a second life she knew nothing about. She must figure out which of her fellow pregnant friends double crossed him and why. All before the baby is born!

The Fast Car Thieves

(Remake of any of Fast and the Furious films except Tokyo Drift, because that film really was ridiculous)

 

We follow a man and his son in modern day Italy looking for work during the economic crisis. He finds work with a team of high speed HGV hijackers, led by a balding American who is planning "one last job." At no point during the film does anyone suggest that the old fashioned method of hijacking HGV's, by stopping them and waving a gun in the drivers face, is still the most efficient way to do it. With the added benefit of not needing a stunt mans driving ability. I digress however. Disaster strikes when the man's car is stolen. We follow them looking for the thief whilst viewing the social aspects of the recession, and the desperation it inspires

The Wishing Well

(Remake of the Change-up)

 

A J-horror remake, two men take a leak in a wishing well, one a dedicated family man the other a womaniser, not knowing that anyone who relieves themselves in the fountain is found dead 9 days later......... on the toilet. Their search for answers takes them to a sewage works and a possessed loo brush wielded by an angry adopted Japanese girl. Oh and they realise that the family man is actually happy with his life, whilst the womaniser just needs to find the right woman.
 

Sympathy for Lady Wallis

(remake of W.E)

Korean revenge thriller. After getting together with Wallis Simpson, Edward VIII has the crown snatched from him by evil forces in the monarchy. Painted in a terrible light by the British press, Wallis becomes a vengeful angel raining justice on those who have wronged her. Ultimately she'll discover that revenge never brings you peace. This version of the film may be more historically accurate than the original Madonna made W.E.

The Beat that My Heart Skipped

(remake of Fingers)

 

In a french remake we follow a young Parisian enforcer who must decide between life as a criminal like his father, or a concert pianist like his mother. Some one should make this one it seems like a good idea.......