Monday, 14 May 2012

The Most Irritating Characters Committed to Celluloid

Even a film which is nigh on perfect can have a character that irritates. You know the type, if you met them in real life Hari Kari might suddenly seem like a good idea. The sort of ridiculous characters that say and do the stupidest things imaginable, yet still end up smelling of roses by the end.

If a person like this worked in your office, the adult thing to do would be to avoid them until they think you're dead. Unfortunately you can't do that with movie characters. So here are my most annoying movie characters.

Star Wars

I've decided to combine all the Star Wars character that boil my piss into one category, otherwise this whole list would be Star Wars characters alone.

JarJar Binks. The most reviled man in the whole of the Star Wars universe, probably correctly. Ignoring the whole argument about racist stereotypes, his voice and mannerisms make you want to stick knitting needles in your ears.
Included as a 'comedy' sidekick, its difficult to remember a single funny thing he does during the whole film.

If the Jedi are strong with the force, surely they must have known bringing him along in the first film was a bad idea. His speech and vote in the clone wars give emergency powers to the emperor, thereby sealing everyone's fate. Yoda is all worried about Anakin, but if he'd just lopped JarJar's head off, he might have saved a lot of hassle later on.

Even Space has Racial Stereotypes

Anakin (young and old). The only positive is that young Anakin was only in one film. Shouting yippee and generally acting like he's got ADHD, no wonder his mum was so happy to get rid of him. She must have have been desperate for a bit of peace and quiet.

Darth Vader was the biggest bad ass in the universe, yet Hayden Christensen plays him like a poutting teenager. Snivelling and whining his way through both films. What in gods name does the emperor see in him? Or for that matter Padme? My favourite moment. When he tries to look conflicted before slaughtering the younglings, but instead looks like he's trying to remember where he parked his car.

Conflicted? Confused? Constipated?
Ewoks. I don't think there's much more to be said about ewoks. Either you love them or you think they're a cynical ploy by Lucas to shift a bunch of cuddly toys before Christmas. I think you can guess which group I'm in. Perhaps George needed more of the green stuff to buy some new plaid shirts.

Blood Thirsty Killing Machines

Jurassic Park

The two kids. I don't even remember the names of the two kids in Jurassic Park, just the annoyance they cause me every time they're on screen. Honestly who isn't rooting for the raptors in the kitchen scene. Every time I've seen it I always hope this is the time that the raptors rip them apart, unfortunately I'm always disappointed. Steven Spielberg does seem to have a special place for annoying children in most of his films.

The only function of the children in Jurassic Park is to try and get everyone killed at almost every turn. The lawyer meets a sticky end because of the girls urge to wave a flashlight around, her inability to then turn it off just compunds the issue. Does she seem particularly bothered she's caused this man's death? Does she balls! He probably had a wife and kids that she's orphaned and widowed. That's the sort of thing most of us would struggle to live with, but it doesn't even seem to register. She won't eat meat, which she announces with such smugness, but the death of a person because of her actions? She passes that off without even batting an eyelid! What an evil bitch. As for her brother, I don't think he annoys me that much but he is related to her!

Brain the size of a walnut, the dinosaurs aren't too clever either


Arthur(Russell Brand). Remaking Arthur always seemed like a bad idea. The original film traded on Dudley Moore's likability, and his rapport with John Geilgud. The remake decides it’s best if Brand just act like a rich, spoilt six year old, who dresses as an 18th century dandy.

In films like Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him to the Greek, he was the comic foil to the ‘straight’ guy. In these films it is the straight guy who does the learning, Brand can be left to act like a drunk because he didn't have to be redeemed. In Arthur we’re expected to care for him, want him to be redeemed by falling in love, realise he doesn’t need money to be happy. However all we get is him drink driving, and buying stuff. Not really someone you want to succeed.
Who wouldn't warm towards him?


There are a huge number of irritating characters in the transformers series. The Parents, Carly, the twins from the second film etc. But I thought I’d go with the main irritation in the film (other than Michael Bay’s awful direction).

Sam Whitwicky. I’ve said it before Shia LaBeouf is not a leading man. He is utterly devoid of charisma,with virtually no screen presence at all. The only way you can tell he's on screen is you can hear that screeching noise he calls acting. If he’s the last hope of humanity, then I'd rather it all ended with us enslaved by the Decepticons.

He has the same problems the common man does calming down his giant robot
He spends the whole of the 3rd film complaining about is life. Yes, what a hard life he has. He can’t find a job but lives in a stunning apartment, has a beautiful girlfriend, a medal of honour from the President and he attended an Ivy League University for free. Yes I feel a great deal of sympathy for him, in the current economy he’s just like you or me. I spent most of the films praying he’d get killed or maimed, Hell I’d have settled for a viral throat infection that meant he couldn’t speak. I’m surprised he hasn’t damaged his own vocal chords the amount of screaming like a little girl he does

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Short Round. Steven Spielberg really does like his annoying kids doesn’t he.

Reasons Indy is cool:

Smart one liners - Check
Kicks Nazi ass - Check
Sean Connery is his dad - Check
A way with the ladies - Check
He’s also Han Solo - Check
Annoying child side kick............... erm Check?

Why would Indy even need a side kick? More to the point why would he have a child as a side kick? It seems a little reckless, after all Indy does tend to get himself into quite a bit of danger doesn’t he? Surely this is a child endangerment issue, plus he’s not even family. Why is a grown man taking an 11 year old with him all over the world? It all sounds a bit weird.

I’m hard pressed to find any part of the film he’s amusing in, his 'banter' basically consists of him speaking in pigeon english. Lines like "he no nuts he crazy' or 'you cheat very big' hilarious I know. However the bit below where he gets a punch in the chops had me cheering!

Temple of Doom is considered the worst of the first three Indy films, and short round had a big part to play in that.

Adam Sandler

Rather than blame the films Adam Sandler is in, I thought I’d go straight to the source. Some people play the same character in virtually every film they’re in. It means they become typecast but if they do it well, whats the problem. Adam Sandler also plays the same character in every film but, it’s an annoying, shoutty, jerk of a character. The angry, sneering, man child seems to be the whole range of his acting ability. It was amusing in Happy Gilmore, but by the time you get through to Anger Management the joke has wore very, very, thin.

The fact that he plays the ‘good guy’ in his films is even more galling. We're supposed to believe that he’s the sort of chap who should end up with the girl/money/happiness? He should end up in prison, where he could get in to an altercation with an inmate and be stabbed with a shiv made out of a toothbrush.

Plus he seems to keep Rob Schneider in work which is a crime against humanity itself.

We can all dream can't we
Whats more depressing is Paul Thomas Anderson actually coaxed an amazing performance out of him in Punch Drunk Love. I guess that just goes to show the genius of Anderson!

Honourable mentions also go to Jay Barutchel just for being him, Ruby Rhod (Fifth Element),M ary Corleone (Godfather III) and Basher Tarr (Oceans films). You were all annoying, I just don’t have the time.

Which Character irritates you most in a film?

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